October 31, 2015

My dearest baby,

There is so much I wish to say to you. So much I want to teach you. As you grow within me; as your birth draws nearer, I become increasingly more nervous. Will I be a good mom? Will you grow to truly love me? Am I capable of giving you the life I want you to have? There is so much uncertainty. But I am certain of one thing: I love you. You are my first. I will do all I can to provide you with a good life. I know that I may mess up on occasion as a parent – I hope you’ll be able to forgive me, but know that this is a first for me. No matter what, you shall always be my little treasure.

September 7, 2020

I see this entry and smile. There is a practice I do – I speak to my past self and in return, I gain access to wisdom from my future self. It clears up my perception of the past and encourages me to keep moving forward towards the future. If I were to talk to my past self now, I’d say, “You mean you want to provide her a great life, and yes, you’re fully capable of achieving far greater things than you can imagine. Just keep writing, keep believing, keep searching for the answer. There’s nothing you and this little girl can’t do.”

This past self of mine had no idea she was in for a surprise. She had no idea her life was going to differ from other mothers. She would have different kinds of worries and different kinds of experiences.

When I took this photo, I drew a card from my tarot deck to accompany it. The Two of Swords. Labyrynthos explains this card well. However, in this particular situation, I simply see myself sitting there – ready to take on the challenge of being a mother but unable to see the depths of what was to come. I remain calm and serene but am ready to fight.